Purple hair Don't Care

   It's been almost a full year for me and my unconventional hair color. I colored my hair purple because I assumed the chemo would make my hair fall out so why not go big or go home! I have been pretty much every shade of purple you can imagine but my favorite is my pastel lavender hair. People always ask me questions about my hair so here are the deets some of my favorite products to use. 

   First off if you have dark hair you need to have a PROFESSIONAL bleach your hair. I have very dark hair and it took a few times for my hairdresser to get my hair light enough (this was before olaplex). Don't let your friend who is good at doing hair bleach your hair. Just don't. As for the color there are many options out there right now but  I am going to tell you about two products you can purchase yourself rather then products you have to be a professional to buy. The first product is a semi-perm hair dye that I love and that you can purchase online from a brand called Arctic Fox. Arctic Fox is gluten free, cruelty free and a percentage of their sales goes to helping animals. The color selection and color combos are the best I have seen and they just keep coming out with more, plus you can mix them together or dilute them with their white color (Arctic Mist) and get your own custom color. Another great thing about their color line is it does not transfer. Which if you have ever had a funky color in your hair you will know is huge! I have lost so many pillowcases to hair color in the past. Did I mention all their colors smell like a grape candy? When you receive it in the mail you are going to think someone sent you a yummy treat. Right now I am using a small amount of Purple Rain and Virgin Pink with a lot of Arctic Mist because the colors are ao pigmented that just adding a small amount to the white gives me the pastel shade I am looking for. If I want it to be more purple I add more. It's best to add a little at a time and mix it up to see what color you get because the color in the bowl is going to be the color of your hair as long as you have your hair bleached to a light enough blonde. The color is not damaging at all so you don't have to worry about using color right after bleaching.

  Another product that has saved me from having to touch up my color all the time is from oVertone. Overtone is a line of conditioners that deposit color to your hair and actually let you rinse with warm water! In the past I have just added a small amount of color to my regular conditioner and rinsed with cold water to help maintain my color but I don't think it really did anything but these conditioners are no joke. They have deep weekly hair conditioners and everyday conditioners in many shades my favorite obviously being pastel purple. I would want to use these conditioners even if they didn't do a thing for my color because they really work well and make your hair feel and look healthy but the fact that they DO make such a difference and let me keep my hair color from fading  makes them a must have for me.

This is me Now

   I get asked a lot about how I am doing these days so I figured I would do a quick update post. I am still on my oral chemo meds but off the intorovenus version so that has been a huge relief. I wish I could say I am exactly where I expected to be on my road to recovery but I am not. I am still exhausted a lot of the time which is normal but I would like it to go away..now. I find it's best for me to do fun stuff with the kids one day and then the next we just stay home and take it easy otherwise I end up not only exhausted but sick and in pain as well. I have had a few set backs and I am still in the process of learning how to take care of myslef and get myslef healthy because the last thing I want to do is start this process all over agiain and that's what I have been told will need to happen if I don't do what I need to on my end. As you know I am a mother of three, a wife, daughter, sister, Aunt, friend, etc.. So following the doctors orders when it comes to avoiding stress and putting my health first is not exactly something that comes natural to me but I am trying! My kids are ready for me to be 100 percent and honestly so am I. I wish I could speed up the process but that seems to only backfire every time I try so I am trying to take it slow. Summer is my favorite time of year and since we only get it for a few months (if that) I want to be outside or at the beach as much as possible but unfortunately I can't quite do that yet but we will be going on vacation soon so I am counting down the days and praying I have enough strength to enjoy it with my family. I never thought I would be worried about having enough energy to enjoy the beach with my kids. People tell me I look like I am doing good ( except my family they can tell when I am sick even though I try to hide it) and I smile and nod my head because I am doing good. I am not sitting in a hospital so to me that's good. I have someone who is making me meals to help me get my nutrion on track which is a big help. I am still struggling with figuring out how to get my energy and muscle back so I don't feel like I am 100 years old without overdoing it. Luckily the kids are out of school and that motivates me to want to be as active as I can be to make sure that they have a good summer.

Recovery

Now that I am officially done my third and hopefully final round of chemo it is time for me to step up and take my life back. The only problem is I don't know where to begin. I need to make my body strong and my nutrition as good as I can to help my body begin to heal and recover because after seeing the tears of joy run down my son's face and look of pure happiness on all of my kids faces when I said I was done chemo I know I can't put them through that again. The challenge is that I no longer know my body. In fact I feel like I am stuck in a 90 year old woman's body. My strong little ninja self was poisoned to death by chemo. As I have said in the past I have always worked out so not feeling strong and able is new to me. Yes I have felt uncomfortable in my own skin many times but that had more to do with my mindset then my actual physical health. It's not about feeling confident in a bikini (although that is a perk) it's about being healthy, energized, motivated, strong and having enough stamina to do more then walk up the steps without being winded. I want to be able to play with my kids and enjoy the things they like to do that have taken a backseat over this past year. Maybe even teach them a thing or two about being healthy and active. If I was rich I wold hire a personal trainer/ physical therapist, life coach and nutristionist who could work with a chef to create all my meals. Since that's not going to happen I need to become all those things myself. I don't want to feel like my old self I want to feel like a new improved version of myself because I can NOT let my kids down after all I have put them through or myself down because this part of my journey rest on my shoulders rather then a medication, a treatment plan or a Doctor. It's not going to be easy and I could use any tips or suggestions that anyone reading this post has.

Got sleep?

   One symptom of Lupus that people often forget about is insomnia. It seems that even though a lot of people with Lupus experience severe fatigue unfortunately they may also experience insomnia..cruel. I myself just came out of three days with NO SLEEP. My body hurt from head to toe and I was so tired I couldn't move without grunting. This is real insomnia not the kind that only allows a few hours of sleep here and there or the kind that happens when you don't fall asleep right away. You really do feel and look like a zombie. My insomnia and overall Lupus symptoms are often turned up a few knotches when I am feeling stressed. Stress the thing that a majority of people deal with on a daily basis and all of our Doctors tell us to avoid for health reasons. If you have Lupus those health reasons are pretty important but a life without stress is pretty hard to come by. So "Don't stress" is what many of you are thinking but remember that is easier said then done. I am a married mother of three children and I wouldn't change that for all the money in the world but it can be stressful. So if you add the everyday stress triggers of someone with Lupus  plus the everyday stress triggers of being a Mom, wife, human, etc... You can see the dilemma. I am the person who doesn't just lay down at night and relax. I make lists in my head and worry about some of the silliest things (they don't seem silly when I am wide awake bug eyed like an owl). May is a crazy month for our family with lots of things going on which means lots of late night lists and random thoughts to keep my mind busy, eyes open and stress level rising. Stress Is a part of most people's  life and at times overwhelming for some of us. For those of us with Lupus it can really take it's toll on your body and your mind. I have tried everything from yoga to medication to help but I am still searching for something that will work for me because stressing about not sleeping and not sleeping because of stress is not something I would like to lose sleep over (see what I did there that was insomnia humor).

Could Be Worse

    People always ask me how I am doing and I always give the response of "okay" because honestly I don't want to sound like someone who feels bad for myself when I know there are people living with much harder things then Celiacs, Lupus and a damaged pancreas. Then there are those times when someone responds to my illness like it's no big deal and tell me things like " I know so many people with your exact same health problems and they are fine." or they tell me stories of how worse off someone they know is and act like I have a cold. I know how hard it is to understand since there are so many misconceptions about Autoimmune diseases and the toll it takes on your body, mind and spirit. Everyone is different and symptoms and treatments and how your body reacts to them is different for everyone. I have heard many times over the last year about people who worked the entire time they were doing chemo and that is great for them but for me my brain can't even process how that's even possible. No Doctor can predict how you will react to treatment or what your symptoms will be like in the future. I am 35 and as I have said before my medical records are as thick as a dictionary and at first glance must look like they belong to someone who is elderly and led a very unhealthy lifestyle. It has been a year since I have really worked out and I actually long for those days now of feeling strong and healthy. I would rather spend my money on a trainer and a gym pass then pay for my body to be poisoned to the point of no energy or strength left in it. Heck I would rather spend on a vacation or just about anything at this point but that would get me nowhere except stuck in a hospital or worse. As much as I hate chemo, medicine, hospitals, etc... I know that when this is done I will love all of those things because they are what will give me back my life. Some people don't get that chance for whatever reason and they are the reason I say I am "okay."

Lost my mojo

As of late my blog has become more of an outlet/update about my life and what I am dealing with at the moment because Lupus is consuming. I feel like I lost my mojo. The thought of delivering reviews on the next Holy Grail product that is Gluten free and has quality ingredients just is not something I can make myself focus on right now. The small amount of energy I do have goes to my kids and being a Mom. I once got an award for most bubbly personality and considered myself energetic and fun. I was the fun Aunt to my nieces and nephews who became the fun Mom when I had my own kids because being involved, playing and making them laugh was just who I was and it was what I wanted to be. I long for those days now and the chances I have missed because I literally have to use all the strength I have just to get up most days. I feel like I am turning 80 not  35 next month. I recently got to spend some time out of the house with my sister/bestie just like the good old days except taking a walk around the mall and doing some window shopping left me in bed and in pain, tired and sore for days. But honestly it was worth it because it gave me a chance to feel somewhat normal and I got to spend time with my sister who has done everything she possibly can to support me every step of the way. So even though the freezing cold weather does a number on my body and driving around and seeing at least 6 feet of depressing snow everywhere I still enjoyed doing something normal. It is the small "normal" things that we tend to take most for granted.

  I just pray that this round of Chemo is my last and that not only me but my family as well can begin to recover. I won't ever get back the time I lost this year but I will enjoy every second even more because of it.

  I am thrilled that my daughter is turning 11 next month and that after some adjustments and rescheduling of treatments I will be able to enjoy and celebrate with her. I think it's important for her to get to celebrate with her girlfriends, have fun and feel special on her birthday especially since she is always outnumbered by boys at home and Mom is not exactly full of fun these days.

 I also want to THANK everyone who has supported me through this process. Your calls, texts, messages, donations, sharing, reading this blog and every little thing that people have done and gone out of their way to do for us without hesitation is mind blowing to me. I can't possibly thank you enough but I can promise to do my best to pay it forward in the future whenever I get the opportunity.

A Lupus Takeover

    How did Lupus just take over my life and why I hate it. Once people know you are sick they want details because they want to help and understand what your going through. That's when the questions come and Lupus starts to navigate it's way into your life and begins to mess with your psyche. What did the doctor say, what does Chemo feel like, how long will it be like this, what's next, what about a new medicine... etc. I hate everything about Lupus. I hate that my own body betrayed me and put Lupus in control. I hate that it takes me away from my kids because Mommy is to tired or sick to play ( especially after chemo). Kids grow up so fast and I would like to spend every second I can enjoying them before that happens. I also hate what it has done to them. It has to be hard to focus at school when your Mom was up all night sick (I shut their doors and turn on their fans). They get so worried that they are going to get me sick. I see my oldest struggle with it the most because he is a great kid with a big heart who hates seeing other people be sad or in pain. He would gladly give you the shirt off his back if he thought it would make you feel better. He understands more of what I am going through then my other two children, in fact I think he realizes more then I think he does. I love his big heart. He was so nervous about report cards that the poor kid was ready to jump out of his skin with anxiety.  His grades are suffering and I am not surprised or disappointed in him at all because things are not easy right now. I had to tell him a hundred times that we were not upset and that it was not just his fault because in my eyes it wasn't. I had to reassure him that we will work together to get his grades better and that even though I am sick I will gladly help him (except math sorry your on your own). He is a smart and good kid and no bad grades are going to change that. It is a very difficult discussion because I don't want him to think that getting bad grades is good or for his teacher to give him a pass because his Mom is sick. He is aware his grades are not as good as other kids and it upsets him. I tell him to focus on school not Mommy and he will get his grades up. I just feel guilty because I know if I didn't have Lupus he wouldn't be so worried and his grades would be better. I hate Lupus for Cooper, Gianna and Gavinn.

My point is Lupus has creeped it's way into every aspect of my life and has taken over. I am always at the Doctor talking about it, answering questions that come up in every conversation I have. It has even taken over aspects in my children's lives and that's what bothers me most.

Don't even get me started on the fact that I feel like I am paying Lupus and it's not cheap! I am aware I am not physically paying the disease (haven't lost my mind yet) but I am paying for things our insurance doesn't cover or only covers a portion of. So it now plays a part in our finances. It is not like I asked for this disease and I would happily return it if I could.

However I did manage to go to chemo this week and I was so sick and felt like a snow plow ran me over but I managed to make it through the week even though my husband  was busy at the fire station and staying late so it was just me and my littles most of the time.

Now that my rant is over I did get sent some products by Anastasia of Beverly Hills to try out. They are her liquid lipsticks and they look beautiful and the pigment is incredible. I promise when I am healthy enough to start back up on my normal blogs they will be first on my list.

Chemo

     As you may have noticed I have been MIA from blogging. So instead of doing a review I decided to share a little of what has been going on in my life since so many people are wondering where I have been. This is a post about a Mom with Lupus undergoing treatment and what it is like. If that doesn't interest you then that's totally fine and skip this post but if you are wondering then read on.

         I just started my third round of chemo. Yes round three. I went through about 6 months of chemo for rounds one and two but after about a month of being off the infusions but still on the immunosuppressants the a doctor decided to put me back on chemo to try and balance out my levels and get my white blood cells in check.

  

          To say I was not happy about having to go through the process is an understatement and it's not because the non stop vomiting, pain, fatigue, chemo brain and overall feeling of death but because I knew I would have to tell my littles ( that's what I call my kids). When I first told them they asked a few questions but it didn't seem to bother them so I was thrilled. Then I had my first treatment and they realized what "going back on the medicine that makes me sick but helps me" meant. The look on my oldest son's face when I picked him up after school broke my heart. The second he saw me he knew it was treatment day and that by that night or next morning the bathroom floor would be where he could find me. Children shouldn't have to worry about their parents health at such a young age. It is scary for me and I can't imagine how scary it is for them. They worry and want to stay home and take care of me which melts my heart but makes me feel bad that they think that it is their job to take care of me when it isn't. I always try to smile and tell them that things will be fine and that I am just going to sleep all day and rest so the best thing they can do for me is go to school so that I can rest knowing they are safe at school learning  new things rather then stuck at home falling behind in school. It takes a few conversations and some tears but I manage to convince them that going to school is the best way to help Mommy. I do my best to hide how I feel from them and I also try not to change anything about their schedule. That means dropping them off and picking them up at school, helping with homework, making sure they have dinner, showers, brush their teeth, and that I tuck them in and do our nightly bedtime routine and all the stuff that comes in between. Do I always get all the things done on my own or on time?..no but I do try. I have days that I let them watch way to much T.V. and play way to many video games because I want them distracted while I am an absolute mess. It's not something I am proud of but we take it day by day and I do what I have to when my options are limited. My main focus has always been my family and now it's my family/getting myself healthy for myself and for them. Relying on others to help has never been easy for me. I am usually the one people can rely on to help out but I am not good at accepting help (I am working on it). My husband works nonstop to pay the bills that seem to pile up when someone gets sick. My sister helps out as much as she can while working full time with a family of her own. I have great friends like my neighbor who I know I can call if I need help (or a cute picture of my little Eleanor to make me smile), and the occasional texts from friends and family checking to see how I am doing. Even though I am surrounded by such loving littles, my amazing sister, friends and family I am going at this alone because I am the only one who can fight for myself to get better and I am the only one who knows exactly what I am going through because it's my journey. It's not something I would wish on anyone or wish on anyone else's family because it is a two way street. I have no idea how hard this has been for the people that love me and I hate the idea that I am the reason for their pain and worry. I do know that we all wish this part of my life story would be over with and that we could just move on to my next chapter because this chapter really just sucks. Sorry there really is no other way for me to put it.

     So that's where my focus has been and why I have not been keeping up with all my blogs and reviews. All my time and energy is being focused on getting myself  healthy.