Chemo

     As you may have noticed I have been MIA from blogging. So instead of doing a review I decided to share a little of what has been going on in my life since so many people are wondering where I have been. This is a post about a Mom with Lupus undergoing treatment and what it is like. If that doesn't interest you then that's totally fine and skip this post but if you are wondering then read on.

         I just started my third round of chemo. Yes round three. I went through about 6 months of chemo for rounds one and two but after about a month of being off the infusions but still on the immunosuppressants the a doctor decided to put me back on chemo to try and balance out my levels and get my white blood cells in check.

  

          To say I was not happy about having to go through the process is an understatement and it's not because the non stop vomiting, pain, fatigue, chemo brain and overall feeling of death but because I knew I would have to tell my littles ( that's what I call my kids). When I first told them they asked a few questions but it didn't seem to bother them so I was thrilled. Then I had my first treatment and they realized what "going back on the medicine that makes me sick but helps me" meant. The look on my oldest son's face when I picked him up after school broke my heart. The second he saw me he knew it was treatment day and that by that night or next morning the bathroom floor would be where he could find me. Children shouldn't have to worry about their parents health at such a young age. It is scary for me and I can't imagine how scary it is for them. They worry and want to stay home and take care of me which melts my heart but makes me feel bad that they think that it is their job to take care of me when it isn't. I always try to smile and tell them that things will be fine and that I am just going to sleep all day and rest so the best thing they can do for me is go to school so that I can rest knowing they are safe at school learning  new things rather then stuck at home falling behind in school. It takes a few conversations and some tears but I manage to convince them that going to school is the best way to help Mommy. I do my best to hide how I feel from them and I also try not to change anything about their schedule. That means dropping them off and picking them up at school, helping with homework, making sure they have dinner, showers, brush their teeth, and that I tuck them in and do our nightly bedtime routine and all the stuff that comes in between. Do I always get all the things done on my own or on time?..no but I do try. I have days that I let them watch way to much T.V. and play way to many video games because I want them distracted while I am an absolute mess. It's not something I am proud of but we take it day by day and I do what I have to when my options are limited. My main focus has always been my family and now it's my family/getting myself healthy for myself and for them. Relying on others to help has never been easy for me. I am usually the one people can rely on to help out but I am not good at accepting help (I am working on it). My husband works nonstop to pay the bills that seem to pile up when someone gets sick. My sister helps out as much as she can while working full time with a family of her own. I have great friends like my neighbor who I know I can call if I need help (or a cute picture of my little Eleanor to make me smile), and the occasional texts from friends and family checking to see how I am doing. Even though I am surrounded by such loving littles, my amazing sister, friends and family I am going at this alone because I am the only one who can fight for myself to get better and I am the only one who knows exactly what I am going through because it's my journey. It's not something I would wish on anyone or wish on anyone else's family because it is a two way street. I have no idea how hard this has been for the people that love me and I hate the idea that I am the reason for their pain and worry. I do know that we all wish this part of my life story would be over with and that we could just move on to my next chapter because this chapter really just sucks. Sorry there really is no other way for me to put it.

     So that's where my focus has been and why I have not been keeping up with all my blogs and reviews. All my time and energy is being focused on getting myself  healthy.