Lost my mojo

As of late my blog has become more of an outlet/update about my life and what I am dealing with at the moment because Lupus is consuming. I feel like I lost my mojo. The thought of delivering reviews on the next Holy Grail product that is Gluten free and has quality ingredients just is not something I can make myself focus on right now. The small amount of energy I do have goes to my kids and being a Mom. I once got an award for most bubbly personality and considered myself energetic and fun. I was the fun Aunt to my nieces and nephews who became the fun Mom when I had my own kids because being involved, playing and making them laugh was just who I was and it was what I wanted to be. I long for those days now and the chances I have missed because I literally have to use all the strength I have just to get up most days. I feel like I am turning 80 not  35 next month. I recently got to spend some time out of the house with my sister/bestie just like the good old days except taking a walk around the mall and doing some window shopping left me in bed and in pain, tired and sore for days. But honestly it was worth it because it gave me a chance to feel somewhat normal and I got to spend time with my sister who has done everything she possibly can to support me every step of the way. So even though the freezing cold weather does a number on my body and driving around and seeing at least 6 feet of depressing snow everywhere I still enjoyed doing something normal. It is the small "normal" things that we tend to take most for granted.

  I just pray that this round of Chemo is my last and that not only me but my family as well can begin to recover. I won't ever get back the time I lost this year but I will enjoy every second even more because of it.

  I am thrilled that my daughter is turning 11 next month and that after some adjustments and rescheduling of treatments I will be able to enjoy and celebrate with her. I think it's important for her to get to celebrate with her girlfriends, have fun and feel special on her birthday especially since she is always outnumbered by boys at home and Mom is not exactly full of fun these days.

 I also want to THANK everyone who has supported me through this process. Your calls, texts, messages, donations, sharing, reading this blog and every little thing that people have done and gone out of their way to do for us without hesitation is mind blowing to me. I can't possibly thank you enough but I can promise to do my best to pay it forward in the future whenever I get the opportunity.

A Lupus Takeover

    How did Lupus just take over my life and why I hate it. Once people know you are sick they want details because they want to help and understand what your going through. That's when the questions come and Lupus starts to navigate it's way into your life and begins to mess with your psyche. What did the doctor say, what does Chemo feel like, how long will it be like this, what's next, what about a new medicine... etc. I hate everything about Lupus. I hate that my own body betrayed me and put Lupus in control. I hate that it takes me away from my kids because Mommy is to tired or sick to play ( especially after chemo). Kids grow up so fast and I would like to spend every second I can enjoying them before that happens. I also hate what it has done to them. It has to be hard to focus at school when your Mom was up all night sick (I shut their doors and turn on their fans). They get so worried that they are going to get me sick. I see my oldest struggle with it the most because he is a great kid with a big heart who hates seeing other people be sad or in pain. He would gladly give you the shirt off his back if he thought it would make you feel better. He understands more of what I am going through then my other two children, in fact I think he realizes more then I think he does. I love his big heart. He was so nervous about report cards that the poor kid was ready to jump out of his skin with anxiety.  His grades are suffering and I am not surprised or disappointed in him at all because things are not easy right now. I had to tell him a hundred times that we were not upset and that it was not just his fault because in my eyes it wasn't. I had to reassure him that we will work together to get his grades better and that even though I am sick I will gladly help him (except math sorry your on your own). He is a smart and good kid and no bad grades are going to change that. It is a very difficult discussion because I don't want him to think that getting bad grades is good or for his teacher to give him a pass because his Mom is sick. He is aware his grades are not as good as other kids and it upsets him. I tell him to focus on school not Mommy and he will get his grades up. I just feel guilty because I know if I didn't have Lupus he wouldn't be so worried and his grades would be better. I hate Lupus for Cooper, Gianna and Gavinn.

My point is Lupus has creeped it's way into every aspect of my life and has taken over. I am always at the Doctor talking about it, answering questions that come up in every conversation I have. It has even taken over aspects in my children's lives and that's what bothers me most.

Don't even get me started on the fact that I feel like I am paying Lupus and it's not cheap! I am aware I am not physically paying the disease (haven't lost my mind yet) but I am paying for things our insurance doesn't cover or only covers a portion of. So it now plays a part in our finances. It is not like I asked for this disease and I would happily return it if I could.

However I did manage to go to chemo this week and I was so sick and felt like a snow plow ran me over but I managed to make it through the week even though my husband  was busy at the fire station and staying late so it was just me and my littles most of the time.

Now that my rant is over I did get sent some products by Anastasia of Beverly Hills to try out. They are her liquid lipsticks and they look beautiful and the pigment is incredible. I promise when I am healthy enough to start back up on my normal blogs they will be first on my list.